Gaining from cloning

Human clones: Hello Dolly...and Tom, Dick, and Stanley

In 1997, scientists made yet another breakthrough in genetic engineering by cloning that now-famous sheep, Dolly. In national periodicals, many have expressed the view that cloning has the potential for previously unheard-of damage to our society.

Since Dr. G. Richard Scott, an independent fertility researcher in Chicago, claimed he could clone a human, an even greater number of concerned citizens have spoken up, sent letters, and protested against the possible threat human cloning exhibits.

With that point of view having already been explored, let's take a moment now to examine possible benefits of cloning homo sapiens.

For example, everyone could clone a set of septuplets for themselves, starting with just one baby. For those of you looking to be in the world-record books for having the most children, this is no doubt the way to go. There are some people out there who would love to get bigger welfare checks.

[Note: this situation had already been remedied by the Personal Responsibility and Workplace Opportunity Act of 1996, but in-vitro fertilization allowed Nadya Suleman (a public assistance recipient) to enter the world record book for giving birth to octuplets.]

Cloned families would be even more stable than regular ones. Since both parents have exactly the same mentality, there would be an extraordinary level of stability within the relationship.

No more hearing, "You just don't seem to care about how I'm feeling" -- because you'd really only be caring for yourself. Just what you self-centered guys have always wanted.

Professional sports games would be a lot more exciting, too. With Michael Jordan clones on the sidelines, games that border on non-stop pure exhilaration would be the norm.

With no need for a seven-man bench (only five backup clones for the starting lineup) it would be absolute ecstasy to watch. In case of an injury, the Bulls could take out Dennis Rodman #1 and put in Michael Jordan #2.

Employers and entrepreneurs would also have much to gain. Managers could finally leave the important daily details in the hands of a capable employee -- their clone -- thus freeing themselves to pursue more important long-term strategies. The same goes for all those small business owners downtown. They could trust their clone while they go out to lunch.

Not only that, but we would be able to do away with the 40-hour work week. Businesses would be able to work their employees like slaves until they dropped dead, and then repeat the process with clones.

As for UH students, there would undoubtedly be something in it for you as well.

Can't find parking? Just have your clone drop you off at school and have him or her pick over at, say, Ala Moana until you need to be picked up. Standing in line for books? Have your clone do it while you wait.

University professors would also reap benefits from cloning. The professor could do what they really want to do -- the research that gets them the grant and the glory -- while the clone does the more unsavory work.

Finally, the state of affairs at UH would greatly improve, if only we could get rid of the administration and replace with a grand army of clones Lee Iacoccas. If they could do for UH what he did for Chrysler, the next millennium would look a lot brighter for our beloved school.

In truth, human genetic engineering and cloning poses a definite threat to my comfort as a sexually-reproduced human. However, I don't think we should let our fears dictate the laws we make.

I mean, wasn't that what the Jim Crow laws were about? Making sure the "haves" were comfortable with the status quo, regardless of how the "have-nots" felt?

What I'd like to know is how the illegality of cloning will be enforced. Is there anyone who would deny a clone the right to live or get a job, based solely on the method of their production?

Declaring cloning illegal is one thing, but there will be lawbreakers. What we will do with the victims of that transgression will truly measure the level of our civilization.