Valentine's for the single guy

V-day through his eyes: it's about supply and demand -- and itchy teddies
As spring approaches, men's thoughts turn to fancy, and I once again face the prospect of another girlfriend-less Valentine's Day.

Facing twenty-three straight Valentine's Days without that special someone can be tough, at least on those poor, hormone-stricken saps out there.

Therefore, I'd like to take this opportunity to console all you guys and point out the benefits of being single on Valentine's Day.

First of all, you don't have worry about planning your Saturday's affairs ahead of time. If you're like me, you'll go to work. Maybe spend a little time at the gym, hang out with your friends in the evening, catch a really violent movie like "The Replacement Killers," and call it a night.

With a date, you'd have to do an inordinate amount of planning, making reservations, waiting in restaurant lines, writing stupid poetry that doesn't even rhyme, and calling florist shops for the best price on carnations and other rose substitutes.

At best, you get into relationships where she expects that sort of things all the time. At worst, everything falls apart and you collapse into a month-long period of depression and fail all your classes because you can't get out of bed. The range of long-term possibilities is hardly appealing.

Being single is a lot more cost effective. Just look at all the money spend on cards, flowers, chocolates, transportation, drinks, appetizers, entrees and entertainment. Romance costs about as much as a lobotomy, and it's more time-consuming.

This is all because of the simple economic principles that drive women's expectations substantially higher on Valentine's Day. Remember the laws of supply and demand?

Their demand is high because your wallet's supply is low. Sure, we've all heard people say that it's the little things in the relationship that matter. Well, they lied.

The little things you do this week are insignificant and inefficient. These days you need to do BIG stuff to impress girlfriends.

If the same things done for Valentine's Day were performed any other time of the year, the results would be much more extreme. Some women would pass out from the shock.

Supply and demand vary seasonally, -- and this, my friend, is a bad time of year to be looking for someone special. If you are already involved with a materialistic girlfriends, then my heart feels your pain. Your situation call for some serious excuses.

Since she's already spent all but your most recent paycheck, fake a coma until Monday, then take advantage of the big discounts at the retails stores. What you lack in spending power you can make up for with volume.

One thing that irks me about Valentine's Day is the number of rows and sections of cards and red pre-wrapped presents everywhere in malls that are designed to take advantage of the male shopper for just this one time of the year.

Is there any other holiday where retailers target a specific gender like this?

I realize clothing stores are open all year to entice women into buying more clothes, in the hope of attracting the perfect male with the right mix of color and plumage, but at lest it's consistent and styles vary annually. However, to exploit men with the same garbage year after year is demeaning and humiliating.

Here we are, running around like rats in a cage, trying to find a gift that makes the female coo, all the while hoping we can soon initiate the mating ritual.

The inequity of the situation strikes me as blatant discrimination on the basis of gender. One side gives and gives, while the other takes and takes and takes.

Well, let's switch it around for once! How about getting us some candy for once? And none of those stupid chalk-like candy hearts with the dopey messages. We want some chocolate-covered pecan caramel patties with toffee bits. Now there's a real Valentine's Day gift!

In return, I'll scour the Moore Hall bathrooms for some men who'd be willing to dress up in those scratchy lace teddies.

Maybe there ought to be some on-campus restrictions for the celebration of Valentine's Day. To prevent any uncomfortable, gender-based harassment, I say we call the whole thing off.

So as Cupid nears to smite you with his love-poisoned arrows this Saturday, I encourage you to fight back this offensive menace by working hard, focusing on yourself, and buying things you want.