Shocking confession!

Unfaithfulness sparks horrible controversy at university

OK, I admit it. I broke down today and tried it. For the first time since its construction near the university, I ate at Mos Burger.

I know what I said -- that I wouldn't eat at a place that couldn't put a space between the words "teriyaki" and "chicken," but I got so tired of eating at Pizza Hut and Taco Bell I couldn't stand it anymore.

I want you to know I feel guilty, but I will not try to cover it up. Nor will I endeavor to influence others in an attempt to make it seem like this was only a minor incident.

I bear full responsibility for this "inappropriate relationship" that Burger King loyalists may find adulterous.

So, if our commander-in-chief must have full details of his infidelity published, I feel I must as well. But before I do, I warn you that the details surrounding my lapse in judgment" may offend some readers, and are not meant for young, incoming freshman readers.

With that caveat, I will now explain that full details of my relationship with Mos Burger, which took place on the morning of September 25th.

I arrived at Campus Center at 10:30 a.m., and resolved to have to have an early lunch with my friend Mark, since we had not had an opportunity to share a meal together for some time. Moreover, I had not yet eaten breakfast that day.

Facing a severe case of apathy at the prospect of spending yet another $4 on the taco special, we settled on Mos Burger as our destination.

Although I knew of my commitment to Burger King, temptation overtook me that morning and I succumbed to my seemingly magnetic attraction to the forbidden food.

I must confess, the food was decent. Not spectacular, and definitely not a good deal, but it did satisfy my appetite for something new.

Faced with the traditional local favorites in the sign, I opted for the yakiniku steak and cheese, priced at $2.89. In retrospect, this was a serious error.

Having forgotten Mos Burger offers no "combo" meals, I did not order fries, nor was I offered any by the staff.

After requesting a small fountain drink, I paid the cashier $4.15 and proceeded to fill the drink cup while I waited for my number to be called. Mark ordered an equally small meal.

When presented with my "grand repast," I was disappointed at the meager portion size. What would have bought me a Whopper Combo with cheese -- Go Large -- at my favorite establishment afforded no more than a paltry snack and a small drink.

In spite of the corn chowder shots one employee distributed, I remained dissatisfied at the end of the meal. Very few times have I actually reordered at a fast food restaurant, but realizing this would be my only foray into the taboo for a long while, I could not resist.

I went back to the cashier and requested a small fries and an apple pie which, to my secret delight, resembled the old McDonald's desserts (you know, the deep fried ones). The total this time was $2.77.

I realize what kind of pain this must cause my family of Burger King compatriots, and I regret turning my back on those of you who continue to support the cause.

But you must realize this was all for the best. If I had not done what I did, I would not be able to warn you as sincerely and truthfully as I am now, that Mos Burger is not, and never will be, able to replace the old Metcalf and University Burger King.

Believe me, having spent almost $8 on lunch, I have more than paid for my iniquity. It will be a long time before I can spend anything more on a single meal.

Again, please allow me to express my apologies to those whom I have hurt by publishing this admission, but let's all try to put this behind us as quickly as possible, and move on to more important issues.

Thank you.