Single life in the '90s

"Write about what you know," I've been told. "You can't write about stuff you don't know anything about."

Believe me -- the guy dumb enough to take three writing intensive classes this semester -- that's true. Unfortunately, being single for 24 years makes writing for the Wedding Issue a little tough. But if I could offer some advice in my last article as the Editorials Editor, it's this: FORGET MARRIAGE! STAY SINGLE!

Here are some reasons why:

Higher savings
What do you need to take somebody out? Presuming, of course, that you generally rely on something other than picnics to impress a date, you're going to need some money.

But money-based dates only drag you down in the long run. Here's an example from my own experience (no lie):

When I was going to community college near Chicago, I was interested in this one girl, so I asked her out. I gurd dinner at a nice restaurant followed by a movie was worth it, so why wouldn't she say yes, if only to take advantage of a free dinner. Suggested retail value -- $69.95.

She declined my offer.

Logistically speaking, in order for her to turn me down, the presence of my company must have been worth less than negative $70! Needless to say, I was crushed.

You don't need rejection like that! Being single is good because you save yourself all the pain of being deemed worth less than nothing.

Drinking out of the carton
Being single is good because it saves you a lot of time and effort washing dishes. My roommate is a good example of this.

He ranks his preferences like this:

• Drinking out of the carton
• Using a paper of Styrofoam cup, then throwing it away
• Using a dirty cup out of the sink so he can just leave it there when he's done
• Finding a clean glass and leaving in the sink for me to wash, and finally
• Using a clean cup, then washing it and putting it away.

If you were married, there's not a snowball's chance in Waikiki you could get away with stuff like that -- women don't appreciate that level of efficiency.

They'd rather be neat and clean and waste thousands of gallons of water a year to maintain the façade of cleanliness than be rational (a.k.a. "lazy") like us guys. It nothing less than pure silliness.

Freedom
Far and away the best reason to stay single is the amount of freedom you have to date anyone you want, go anywhere you choose, talk to whomever you wish and sleep on whatever piece of furniture you find handy.

Of course, I realize that we have had that freedom in the first place -- after all, the people we wanted to date already were, we never had we never had any reason to cruise around, we didn't have too many real friends, and we had to sleep on the couch anyway, but that's beside the point.

What was my point?

Oh yeah, it sure is good being single. Enjoy your summer, and stay out of trouble.