The Christmas Zonk

It's becoming Army tradition to give your unit a "no PT" day at least once per winter, and usually on a really cold day the week before Christmas. It's not good enough, though, to simply say "no PT today." You have to build up the suspense.

Fortunately, the housing management office came by the other day to inventory the furniture in my barracks. As we went room by room, I got a chance to see how people are living during those times when they're not excpecting an inspection, and that gave me some material to talk about at the 6:30 formation this morning. Here's what I said:

"I want to talk to you about a couple things this morning. As I was going through the barracks, I saw a lot of people with dirty laundry on the floor. That's a no-go. It's unhygienic. Clean up your dirty laundry and put it in a laundry basket.

"I also noticed that people have some inappropriate pictures up on their walls. That's against Battalion Policy #15, which you can find it at the CQ desk. You may say 'Well, I disagree with that policy. My room is my private space. I should be able to do what I want.' OK, well, then let's make a compromise.

"You comply with the policy and take down the inappropriate pictures, and -- if you want -- I'll give you a binder to put them in. I'll even give you the plastic cover sheets so your 'documents' don't get soiled." At that point, I held up the white binder I'd brought with and opened it up to show the plastic covers. [Giggles.]

"That way, if you have a visitor over, you can ask, 'Would you like to see my binder of mostly naked people?' and they have a choice. They can say, 'Oh yes please' if they want to, and everyone's happy. We respect the BC's policy, I don't have to deal with the embarrassment of the housing people gawking at Miss Bootylicious December 2015 on your wall and making comments, and you don't get an Equal Opportunity complaint for creating a hostile environment.

"So if you want, come see me later, and I'll get you the binder -- along with the plastic cover sheets." [More giggles.]

"That's the first thing. The second thing I wanted to talk to you about is how people are using their personal time.

"Personal time, like you get on Thursdays afternoons, if for 'personal business.' What is 'personal business'? Well, it's not *my business*, but my concern is people are misusing that time and making a menace of themselves. People are going places and doing things that I get calls about, and then I gotta go figure out why they're not doing their job. So make sure you're using your personal time wisely.

"But for now, it's time to get started.

"Company, ATTENTION! [Unit motto] Without sounding off, ZONK!"

*****

Everyone scattered, and that's when I realized my battalion commander was in the back of the formation (foibles of having an HHC). As he was walking along, I overheard him laughing, "That's awesome! I'm gonna go get a binder for all my inappropriate pictures!"

Good use of the zonk.