Cornucopia of commentary

Recapping recent annoying events

Monica's Employment Opportunities
Unfortunately for Monica, Kenneth Starr's explicit report is now part of the public record. Instead of being found in a tell-all book, all the juice bits of smut have already been revealed in every newspaper free of charge.

This leaves Monica with a tough question: If she can't live off book royalties, what in the world is she going to do?

I'm sure there's something out there. She has served as an intern for the president of the United States, admirably weathered the stress of a horrendous public controversy storm, and endured the embarrassment of having her life's most private details strewn all over the media.

It almost sounds like she could handle being a Bishop Estate trustee, doesn't it?

But something even better might be waiting for her halfway around the world, in the Philippines' capital, Manila.

As Roy Alfoforo, a leader of the Philippine socialist group Pandayan, said, "We have more trust in Monica Lewinsky than in Bill Clinton and the U.S. troops."

He might well be onto something. If the Philippine nationalists wont tolerate any kind of favorable relationship with either the president or the military, then maybe we could make Monica the ambassador.

Consider this: Philippines President Joseph Estrada has had many extra-marital affairs in his time, so working with him on behalf of the United States won't be an extreme shock.

However, if Estrada's critics feel the arrangement constitutes an "inappropriate relationship" between the two countries, it may not work out.

In that case, I look forward to seeing a new talk show hot on Fox this next season.

Frank F. Fasi's campaign
I feel bad for Frank Fasi. His fifth loss in the race for governor beats out Jim Kelly and the Buffalo Bills' four Super Bowl losses for the Most Dependable Loser Award.

I can't say I'm surprised, though. The guy is 78 years old. He was a senator back when Hawai`i was still a territory. How many of them are still around?

More important, though are the outrageous plans he espouses for revitalizing O`ahu. They're so beyond realistic, the only response I can give is "whoah."

For example, he planned to phase out the Manoa campus and move everything to the Leeward side of the island, make gas prices equal to or lower than California's, reduce auto insurance rates by one-third, demolish Aloha Stadium and build another arena somewhere else, and replace the general excise tax with a sales tax.

Maybe I spoke too soon; I shouldn't count Fasi out yet. With his grim determination, I honestly wouldn't be surprised to see him running in the 2002 elections, still in typical Fasi fashion.

Rigging the HPD lure
Does the recruitment of Hawaii's police by other Mainland cities' police departments irritate anyone else?

Although recruiters presume to entice our officers with higher salaries, better purchasing power, and lower housing costs, they haven't considered paying for the relocation of extended family.

If moving expenses are provided for immediate family, they should be made available for all the aunties and uncles as well. After all, Hawaiian culture is based on the concept of `ohana -- if part of the family goes to the Mainland, the WHOLE family should be able to go.

If provisions cannot be made for this, I think we should stop exporting our prisoners to Texas, and start shipping them to Washington -- as free citizens.

This way, if they do wrong, our officers would have an easier time catching them, thereby looking good in front of their new bosses, since they've done it before.

Although folks all up and down the West Coast would hate us, I feel it's the least we could do in helping our officers succeed in their new positions.