Multicultural comestibles

Cannibalism, the consumption of an organism's flesh by another of the same kind, is a repulsive concept to modern man, yet its vestiges can still be see in Hawai`i today.

A horrifying concept, to be sure, but cannibalism has been used as a primary marketing tool for a prominent local fast food chain.

The restaurant to which I am referring, of course, is the Burger King at the corner of Metcalf and University.

I was standing in live a while back, waiting to order my Number One Combo (Go Large, of course), when I noticed Mr. Potato Head gloriously holding a french fry above his oval cranium, virtually shouting, "Try the Fries!"

What a disgusting thought.

That's equivalent to holding a human leg (fried in 100 percent vegetable oil because of its lower fat content) up high and crying out "Eat the legs! They're great!"

I can't help but wonder how the children reacted to that promotion.

To my relief, the Fiesta Whopper combo has come, blurring the painful portrayal of Toy Story co-star Mr. Potato Head as a serial killer.

As a business major, I can appreciate the boldness of the advertisements, but I still cannot figure out where it is they find they people.

Burger King is not the only fast food chain to make some marketing mistakes.

Taco Bell, with its talking Chihuahua, has angered some Latin Americans to the point where they are calling for its removal from their advertisements.

Since Marriott Food Services, the operator of our on-campus Taco Bell, does not offer the Gorditas found at the Tricon-owned off-campus ones, the Chihuahua is not displayed. However, both the McCully and Kapahulu locations proudly display this strange-looking cross between a hamster and the famous Cuban revolutionary Fidel Castro.

Western culture does have a bizarre sense of cuisine.

I'd like to meet the person who came up with the concept of eating a chicken egg. What went through their head? Maybe it was a bet -- something like, "Hey Henri, I'll give you a franc if you eat what comes out of this part of the poulet."

Sausage, too. The guy who thought of grinding up some port and then stuffing it inside the pig's own small intestine for someone else to eat must have been pretty sick in the head.

Perhaps you remember the Saturday Night Live skit, "Bob Shwarzsky's Superfans," where every week, it seemed, there was someone recovering from a polish-sausage-induced hear attack? As an emigrant from Chicago, I can tell you that's not far from the truth.

However, since coming to these islands almost three years ago, I've seen some really way-out stuff. Duck's blood soup from Vietnam, half-formed chicken embryos from the Philippines, and rectangular seaweed sheets (nori) from Japan stick out in my head as some of the more exotic foods I have been exposed to.

Oh yes, I almost forgot Spam.

Spam musubi. Spam and nori, though, I can understand, having understood their cultural value and context. What dumbfounds me is the fact there are Spam substitutes. My friend Aaron gets upset when he sees restaurants using imitation Spam in their saimin.

Imagine that -- imitation imitation meat.

What surprises me is not so much the fact that people actually like Spam as that there's a market for a fake version for the infamous meat alternative.

It truly is a wonder why Hawaii's economy is bad when we have such ingenious product developers supplying the niche market demand for counterfeit Spam.

White rice, though not even close to ranking as a strange food, remains one of the greatest wonders of the Asian diet to the haole in me. I marvel at how easy it is to make rice, yet watch stupefied as my rice cooker makes it perfect every time, as if there were microscopic gnomes inside, testing the consistency every minute to make sure it's just right.

My friends all have their own theories as to how the rice cooker works, from complex temperature and weight-based algorithms to the magical-sounding interventions of the divine.

Regardless, it still blows my mind when I hear compliments directed to the person who bring the rice to cook-outs. I couldn't believe it when I heard the recipient say "thanks" in return.

For a person who had never even seen white rice before, it was hard to comprehend the possibility that there could be such a things as "bad rice." To this day I stare incredulously at the person who compliments my rice-cooking ability, wondering if it's an insult masked in sarcasm.

Each culture has customs that seem outlandish to outsiders, from eating dog meat in Asia to tripe and headcheese in Europe.

Although I've spent two decades of my life on the Mainland, Hawaii's idiosyncrasies have only endeared it to me all the more, and now I can't imagine living in any other place.