The differing levels of "real"

There are different levels of reality – how “real” something is. There’s what you read, there’s what you see or hear from people around you, and there’s what you experience personally.

For instance, there’s this one moment in Bad Boys II (2003) that I really like. Martin Lawrence’s character learns that his sister has been kidnapped by drug dealers, and it’s a quintessential Michael Bay moment – camera angled up, zoomed in, and panning across in a wide circle with a busy backgound. Will Smith looks super serious but doesn’t know what’s going on yet. Lawrence’s character just stares blankly ahead and explains, “This s*** just got real.”

The scene is so over the top that – out of context – it’s almost kind of funny (check out the youtube clip and tell me I’m wrong), but it illustrates the jump in reality perfectly. Up to that point in the movie it’s been all fun and games, but not anymore. Oh no. From that moment it’s personal; it’s *real.*

Sen. Corrie Booker just had one of those moments. He probably knew that Israel could be dangerous, but it was probably just stuff he’d read in the news. It was only when he had to take cover in a bomb shelter that the nature of life in Israel became *real.*

I’ve had moments like that, too. Afghanistan was like summer camp until my first rocket attack. Then the risks became more real.

Similarly, I thought the COVID19 pandemic was overblown until February 2020, when my workplace moved to teleworking (which was a “hard no” beforehand) and people from my office started getting sick. Up to that point, the danger was academic, like it was in the SARS and MERS epidemics. One of those things that happens to other people, but not something that might affect me personally.

What’s interesting is that – for every increasing level of reality -- you cannot be dissuaded from that understanding by someone with a lesser perception.

For example, I have an aunt who worked as a nurse with people who were injured in car accidents. She won’t drive on highways anymore. It doesn’t matter that – statistically -- highways are safer than other, bidirectional roadways; what matters is her assessment of risk based on what she’s seen in the people around her.

This is an important thing to understand when dealing with others -- how different levels of experience shape one’s perception and assessment of reality. A person who knows someone who’s had a problem with a vaccination will not listen to a person who simply knows the wider statistics.

Conversely, not even those who’ve seen Saving Private Ryan can truly understand the reality of what Normandy was like during the landings [Source]. The imagery might be accurate, but there’s no way you can – from the comfort of your own couch – understand the deafening noise or the inherent smells of a battlefied.

It’s true with many different things. A person who only reads about transgender issues from the news will have a hard time understanding a person who has a family member who’s transgender. For the former, the face of transgenderism might be Dylan Mulvaney or Lia Thomas – a person they feel it’s OK to ridicule. For me, it’s not some stranger, but that family member I’ve known all my life.

At best, we can only reach a point of empathy with those who understand reality differently. To quote South Park episode 1101 (and credit to Ryan Araki for showing that episode to me), “I get it now -- I don't get it. I've been trying to say that I understand how you feel, but, I'll never understand. I'll never really get how it feels.” [Source]

If we can get to that point, I think that’s both evidence of, and reason for, profound humility.