Bad News

Last week, I got some bad news in a bad way. A friend/old co-worker emailed me saying that my mom was trying to contact me. He said it was about my grandmother.

I know this post is only two sentences long at this point, but let's think about the story so far. What can we infer from the above paragraph? 1.) My family doesn't know my email address, my phone number, or any other way to contact me. 2.) Something serious is going on, and 3.) There's probably going to be hell to pay when I do get ahold of them for not staying in touch once I got to Korea.

Already I felt both guilty and defensive. Although I hadn't even moved into my permanent housing, I really should have called and let them know I'd arrived in one piece. And even if I didn't have a home phone number, I really should have provided the school's number or given them my email (my old provider went down on June 30). As it was, I had only let them know I had a blog (or "online diary" as I explained it) they could follow, and that email was already two months old.

So when word from my father came that he didn't know how to contact me, he called my mom and step-dad. They didn't have anything on me, they said. They figured out how to contact one of my friends to whom I had explicitly send my email address, who then forwarded me the message.

*sigh*

So I got the message on what was Friday evening out here, immediately called my mom and got the gist (sp?) of the situation. Them I called my dad.

Have you experienced a time where you wished your parents were angry, but they weren't? Honestly, I can't remember a time when I wished that they felt anything other than relief more than last Friday. My poor dad, already messed up over my grandma being taken off of life support, had been doubly worried over trying to get ahold of me for the past week. I felt so sorry for being out of touch... I wished I could have said sorry enough....

My grandmother then passed away by what was Saturday morning Korea time.

Do I feel sad about it? Yes, but the emotions are very distant. It doesn't hit me until I talk about it, and I don't think it will feel real until I visit my family. They don't expect me to do that, but I think that I really need to as soon as possible.

I'm also examining the choices I've made over the past five years. I've been trying to pass the foreign service test and become a diplomat, and if I'd done that, I would have moved back to the east coast, closer to them. I tried, but couldn't manage that. Could I have studied harder? It's the kind of torturous question you can always ask in retrospect to make yourself feel pointlessly regretful, but the question is there. Should I have moved there after my contract ended? No, that wasn't feasible; still, those kinds of things remain.

I guess they'll remain for some time, but for now I actually take comfort from my dad's advice not to worry, and don't do anything different right now. If there really is nothing I can do, then there isn't so much pressure to figure out and do that "right thing."