Review: The Opposite of Spoiled

How do we raise our kids to be grateful, generous, AND responsible with money?

One option is to ignore them and let them figure out all these money-related things when they turn 18. But that'd be a bit late to teach them how to handle tuition, student loans, and credit cards, not to mention health insurance, retirements savings, and a home mortgage.

Rather than throw them along the hard-knocks route to wisdom, and watch them suffer for it all through their 20s, it's better to instill in them the right values towards money while they're younger.

That's what this book by Ron Lieber is about – raising kids who are the opposite of spoiled. The book packs a wide range of money issues that come up during childhood – the tooth fairy, allowances, chores, charity, savings, holidays, birthdays, cell phones, checking accounts, clothing, cars, part time jobs, and college – into a comprehensive perspective that both teaches values and prepares kids for an "unentitled" life as young adults.

"Every conversation about money is also about values. Allowance is also about patience. Giving is about generosity. Working is about perseverance. Negotiating wants and needs [is about] thrift and prudence. And throughout everything is a desire for kids to have perspective." P14. Here's what I learned, by chapter.

2) Have the conversations.

When my contractor job ended last September, I explained the situation to my kids. I told them plainly, "Depending on where I find a job, we might have to move." And in fact, we did. Dealing with money-related questions is hard – you don't *want* the kids to be burdened -- but it's better to talk about it.

3) Allowance

Allowance can be either tied to doing household chores or not. The big question is "What are we trying to accomplish?"

I chose allowance not tied to chores, for two reasons. First, chores are part of running a household. I don't get money for chores, so neither should they. And what if they decide they don't need the money -- do they still have to do chores? (Typically, yes.) So what is allowance really about?

Second, I wanted to teach my kids about self-control, budgeting, and saving. How will they use the money they earn? By blowing it all on immediate wants, or by saving it for something big? I want them to understand that money is a finite resource, and that there's a trade-off for every spending decision. So instead of treating allowance as compensation, I use it as a way to keep my kids from bugging me to buy snacks.

In 2021, I'll start the three-jar system recommended in the book – saving, giving, and spending. I'll ask them at the beginning of the year to think about what they want to save for, and how much money that will require. Then, every allowance day, they have to divide up their allowance into the three jars (with a certain amount set aside for giving).

4) Prudence (Saving)

My daughter has a problem. Or rather, she *will*. When she was about 5 years old, she modeled for a Korean clothing marketer, and made far more money than any 5 year-old has a right to. We borrowed from her to pay off our Texas house in 2016, but paid her 5% interest, so now she has even more.

What will she do with it when she gets older? And how do we develop in her a sense of thrift so that she won't blow the whole amount irresponsibly?

The book talks about helping kids consider the "more-good/less-harm" principle; analyze fun-to-dollar ratios; understand the value of coupons, pre-paid debit cards, and thrift store shopping; and see the subliminal messages behind advertising. The point is not to simply make rules for them, but to teach and develop the *values*.

5) Handling materialism (Spending)

How can we balance modesty (restraint) with materialism?

Kids see people looking their best on social media, and want to keep up. "But what teenagers miss is that many of their peers use social media to sell the best versions of themselves, whether they're doing it consciously or not." P174

This chapter encourages parents to teach the difference between needs and wants. "Kids should learn to wait for at least some things, to consider carefully the things they crave, and savor them once they arrive."

Recently, my son asked me to buy some $60 thing for him online. I gave him a choice -- he could either buy the thing now with his own money, or he could wait until Christmas and ask for it then. He decided to wait.

I think I took the right approach.

6) Giving

Generosity is a virtue. As it says in 1 Corinthians 13:2, "though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing." (KJV) [Link]

By earmarking part of their allowance for giving, we train our children to think charitably. As they build up their "charity fund," they can consider how they will distribute it. After all, if we're going to teach our kids about values, we also have to help them explore their own. Let them do their own research on how they want to give their charity money.

If they want to give it to the homeless, that's fine. As one contributor put it, "I don't really care what they spend it one, and I don't care if they're conning me or whatever. I really do care about teaching my son compassion for others. That's worth the spare change."

With that said, there are also ways to help them evaluate decisions. www.charitynavigator.com scores charities on transparency, which can be one factor to consider.

This chapter was also challenging for me. For the past 25 years, my church has been the sole recipient of my charitable giving. That's not a bad decision, but it is – in a sense – self serving. As a result of what I read, I picked three non-profit organizations and signed up for monthly contributions.

7) Work

Should kids work when they're able, or focus on getting into college?

Kids should work if they can do it, and it's less than 15 hours a week. But "don't jobs do damage to kids' college admissions prospects"?

No. In fact, "part time jobs are correlated with high college expectations and good grade point averages…." p152 And "what our kids can learn from paid employment is a work ethic, that loose phrase that captures the ability to listen, exert ourselves, and stick to a task until we've done it, and done it right." p153

Have them pay some for college, too. "Letting them attend without asking anything of them financially may actually be damaging. … the higher the percentage that parents contribute to a child's college costs, the worse their grades tend to be."

8) Gratitude, Grace, and Perspective

How do we make our kids aware of how good they have it, without preaching to them or making them pity others who have less?

First we have to understand where we are ourselves. Everyone likes to think of themselves as middle class, but "anyone who has a household income that is two to four times the national median is not middle class." And, I think, is who this book was writte for.

It seems "as long as there are people who have more, everyone else talks as if they're middle class and claims not to be among the truly privileged."But those "above about $75,000 in household income … graduate into the top third of income in the United States." P172

This helped put things into perspective for me. Because I live on a U.S. military base where everyone has assigned housing, so I can often feel as though I'm not particularly privileged. It's easy to think of "social class as something you earn through merit and hard work." P178

But "there is often more to the story than just hard work. It's not but. It's and. There is luck and circumstance and the family you were born into. All sorts of things factor in. That would be extremely radical if parents started that that at the dinner table. If we were honest about our own privilege when we have it. And not all of us have it or have had it, though most of us in the room have had it in some form or another." P179

Second, we have to develop in our kids a curiosity about people who are different from them. For us, living overseas certainly helps give them perspective.

"When we reflect on what we have, we want our kids to grow into young adults with perspective – people with a healthy definition of enough that is unique to them and isn't based on what everyone else has or does." P208

To summarize, we need to communicate with our kids about what we value, and help them develop their own values for themselves. Treat money like the finite resource it is, and teach kids how to manage it to accomplish their goals. Finally, by having a good sense of perspective ourselves, we make it easier for our kids to share it.

The Opposite of Spoiled offers a lot of practical advice, some of which I was already practicing; others which I've just begun to put into practice. In my opinion, I think it would have been better if I'd started earlier in my kids' lives, but starting late, as they say, is better than never.